Fun....at last!

While my dad was dying my husband picked up most of my duties that I do with my girls.  He sacrificed his work schedule to be sure my girls were taken care of, homework was finished, and I could sit and hang out with my dad for however much longer he had in this world.  While my husband never felt like it was a sacrifice and it was just something he was doing because he loves me and my dad, it was.  My husband and I love our girls and would do anything for them.  He and I don;t spend enough time with the girls but not enough time with each other.  I mean being with each other 100%.  The girls, our jobs, the computer, our cell phones, and life seem to get in the way.  So we have planned a trip together to celebrate 10 years of marriage and to get back on track.  FUN!  without the girls.  I will miss them terribly, but I know when I get back from some fun in the sun Alone with my husband, I will be a better mom and wife because of it.

No time

As a 36 year old woman, wife, mom of 2, and full time teacher, there are many things in my life I do not have time for during the day.  I am on the move from the time I get out of bed at 5:30 am until I go to bed at night.  I work for 7.5 hours a day and then I rush out of work to pick up my girls.  They are the love of my life.  I can't wait to see them, hug them, kiss them, and ask them about their day.  After 2 different pick ups we head home to start our routine of homework, both on and off the computer, having time to play outside, and daily chores.  While the kids are doing their homework I am frantically helping them while throwing in a load of laundry, straightening up the house, picking up the girls clothes, putting clothes away, changing bed linens, and deciding on what to do for dinner.  After dinner we begin our bedtime routine and I hope the girls go fast enough throught their baths so we have time to snuggle, talk, and spend some quality time together before they go to bed.  After they are in bed I try to get a workout in, read a little of a book, or watch a television show.  In this craziness I call life, I do NOT have time to make new friends.  During the craziness of my day I am counting on my friends to be there for me, not to judge me, and most of all to have fun.  I pride myself on being a good friend and hope they feel I do for them in return of what I expect from a friend.  Today it is not quite 9:40 and I feel FINE. 

It's Friday!  YEAH!  Something to be happy about!  My Daughter just did a fantastic job at school in her part in church!  Both of my girls are getting so big so fast and I can't wait until this summer to sit by the pool and hang with them while they still think I am cool.  I talked to my dad while I was at church.  Still stings like hell he wasn't there to see his 1st grandchild do her part.  Oh Dad!  I showed my mom his picture on my phone and she almost cried.  She said she hated the picture I had.  Dad is sick in the picture and that is how I remember him before he left us.  I can here him now..."Gabby, my Gabby!, you did a great job in church!  Here's a dollar!"  He gave my kids a dollar for everything.  They loved it.  They LOVE him.  I LOVE him.  I MISS him like hell.

Feeling Good

Feeling Good today!  The rain this morning had me concentrating on driving safely instead of feeling sorry for myself.  I need to concentrate on getting healthy on the inside and out.  This way my body and my mind will look good.  My body looks as good as my insides.  Needless to say I look terrible.  The bags under my eyes match the bags on my rear end.  My mind feels good and I am hoping I stay on the upside for a while.  I will brace myself as I call home and listen to my dad's voice on the recording and I will try not to cry and get through the rest of my day with a smile.  I love you Dad.  One More Day....I can do it.

Day after Day

Day after Day....I think I will feel better soon?  I feel Blah.  Nothing tastes good,  Tired!  So Tired!  Going through the motions.  I know everyone else is busy, I know everyone else works hard, I know everyone else is crazy with their kids and I know everyone else is BUT really can't someone just appreciate me and the hard work I put into each and every day?  I feel used and abused.  I want to call my dad again and I can't.  He's not here.  I cry.....harder than I have before.   I think I will feel better soon?

Memories

As I drive to work this morning I think, "What would he say to me today?"  I sit and I sing some more.  Why do I feel so broken?  A couple more miles and I zone out.  Then I think I need to call him and talk to him.  He is not there......

So I talk to him like he is sitting next to me.  "Hi, Dad!  I sure do miss ya. Yes, Dad,  I am working on not being so sad.  Yes, Dad I am Lucky.  I know my kids are healthy and my husband works hard." 

But I don't really feel Lucky.  Not at all.

I feel Alone.  My friend, My Dad is not here and I don't have anyone to listen to me bitch or tell me they love me unconditionally and actually FEEL the love take over me as I drive to work.  My heart is broken, instead of filled with the feeling of fulfillment and being good enough on the way to work.  I start my day lonlier and sad.  My cheerleader is gone, my heart aches.